The Jarisch-Herxheimer response was in full effect about a week later. Every morning when my alarm went off at 7:30 for me to take my first Valtrex the thoughts began, "I can't do it. I can't do it." The thought of getting out of bed was torture. I eventually dragged myself out of bed. No shower, of course- that was waaay to much work. By the time I got downstairs to fix myself a protein shake and the kids a frozen waffle my head had so much pressure throughout it, it felt like it was going to burst. I had trouble stringing thoughts together, which is known as the "chronic fatigue fog." I felt nauseous and sometimes light headed and I would avoid moving around the kitchen at all costs because my body was so exhausted. If I did move too much and become overly fatigued then the pain would set in. It started at the waist and moved all the way up to the top of my neck. Every muscle, every joint. Sometimes a migraine accompanied it. Meanwhile the kids came downstairs bubbly and ready to engage for the day. I tried to put on a happy face, but was so short with them. Or I gave into them. Years of discipline and consistent parenting felt like they were going down the toilet. Anything to keep them quiet. Sometimes they seemed not to notice, other times Kate would ask if I still had my "sleepy sickness" or Grant would ask "how much longer until you can play with me again?" After breakfast we would quickly move to the couch for a movie until I could get them out the door to camp. Sometimes on the way home from driving them to camp I would pray outloud, "Jesus, help me make it home before I fall asleep." It was so intense.
As soon as I got home the sleeping began. It felt like someone put a drug in my drink. It wasn't a leisurely sleep. There was no choice in it. If I prolonged it for any reason it felt like torture. Thankfully, if I could sleep about 9-11am I was pretty awake and happy (when I say happy it still felt like I had the flu, even at my best) until about 1pm. Then it was back to bed until about 4pm. At 4pm I had some energy until about 6. When I say energy it wasn't energy to do anything besides stay awake. There was no grocery shopping, cooking or trips to the park. Occassionally I would sit on the porch and let the kids play with the hose or climb the trees. Or lay on a friend's couch while the kids played in their basement. But, nothing that required movement. One day Grant got pink eye so no one would watch him (I couldn't blame them) and just the energy required to be with him for one day put me in bed and constant pain for an entire week. I actually called Dr.Lerner because I thought something serious must be wrong with me. No, he said, you just over did it.
Life continued like this for about the first 6 weeks. Thankfully people stepped in to help with the kids, groceries and meals. I was able to rest, read and pray. Sometimes I'd look out the window and see someone running and get jealous. Sometimes I'd feel guilty and doubt my self worth as a non-contributor to society. But, other times I was uber thankful for my family and friends that were meeting my basic needs and my God that loved me in spite of my lack of action. I searched the scriptures for encouragement. The promise I am holding onto is this: "but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:30
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